What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
