Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
