Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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