I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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