Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
