Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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