If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
