It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
