I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
