I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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