I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
