Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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