How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
