While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
