thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
