I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
