I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
