And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
