i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
