WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize