just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
