i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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