Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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