I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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