I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
