So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
