if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize