well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
