can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
