i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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