My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
