maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
