I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh god it's open bar.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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