I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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