I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
