I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
In other news, I just burned my penis
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
