Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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