I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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