White coat. Heels.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize