Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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