Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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