I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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