I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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