This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
