So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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