my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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