I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So apparently I’m into choking now
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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