I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
be right there i have to get my cape
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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