insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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