well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
