So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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