drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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