Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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