dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
