so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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