just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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