I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
