I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
