i'm signing you up for texting rehab
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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