After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
